Unapologetically

So many of you have watched my Facebook page, my twitter account and here on my blog waiting for the next big thing.  You have faithfully lifted my family and I up in prayer and have hung on during my very silent two months since HP let me go.  I know you have been there because I can feel it and I can see it.

I want to spend a quick moment recounting the amazing things God is doing for us because you have unapologetically been praying for our blessing and provision. First, HP gave us 13 weeks of severance. I have to admit I was REALLY scared...that was three short months(two of which have already expired). We just bought a house last January and I wasn't certain how I was going to stretch out 13 weeks pay to make house payments until I got a new job.  Truth be told we had been living more than our means each month and had little in reserve. We adjusted, I cooked more, we didn't spend frivolously but we didn't really change too much in how we were living. And yet at the end of the two months I still see a balance in the checking account that sits within a thousand dollars of the original installment of our severance. I don't know how that has happened except that God is an amazing God who fed 5000 with basically nothing and had leftovers.

Tom has been given so much favor at his job at the YMCA since I lost my job. Let me catch you up really quick. About 8 weeks before I was laid off, Tom had his bootcamp class taken away from him by his management. This was a group of ladies who had been with him for over 5 years. Instead of this well developed bootcamp he was charged with starting a beginner class. Long story short, there were many hurt feelings and Tom was tempted to leave given that he has to commute down into Houston to teach the class three times a week. It was a tough spot for us, both of us were miserable at work, but he stayed put and honored his commitments. On the last day of his 8 week session, just one week after I turned in my 13 year old HP badge, the new group of ladies gave him a bonus. Since then the same group of ladies have given him two more. I could talk about all the new training business God has blessed us with for an entire blog but I won't bore you. Suffice it to say God is filling our baskets and bank account in ways we could never have imagined.

But the favor we are feeling isn't only monetary. Our family is happier than we have been in the past. We are looking out for each other. We are standing side by side and talking about the  things that are most important to us. For once, I am listening to my kids who have said that mom at home more than away is far more important than restaurants, plane tickets, and fancy summer camps. We are all more engaged with the Lord. The boys asked for new bibles for Christmas to use for night time reading logs at school. They chose Christmas cards that declared that Jesus is Lord and if you don't know Him you are missing out. Karl has a teacher who has reminded him repeatedly that this too will pass and God has us in the right place. Paul has a teacher who sees him, and gets that this is stressful for a third grader. She has whispered words in his heart that say "it will be okay", and that she is right here to help if he needs it.

Texas has honored my teaching degree and license from Colorado and I am moving toward a teaching position again. And believe it or not we can survive on that salary.  God is stretching us and teaching us to live in the sweet spot of faith. There are days when I don't know how it will all work out and I tell the Lord that it doesn't all add up but then something happens to reaffirm that we are on the right road and we are doing what is more important.

So we unapologetically thank you for your prayers and thank Him for His love and declare that 2014 is a year of faith and favor for the four of us. I am going to try to chronicle it much more closely because I truly don't want you to miss the miracles that I know are around the corner. I don't want you miss a beat of His heart toward us. So check back periodically to see how God is providing for us in ways our natural minds can't even comprehend.  And know that while we are walking this out we are praying that you will find His power overwhelming your life as well. And that by this time next year, each of you will be unapologetically telling your story of favor in the Lord.

We love you and you are in our prayers daily!
The Murphy/Braden clan

Examples

I have a great dad.  He has often been the rock I turn to when I am tossing in uncertainty and he has always pointed me to the rock that is higher than him or me. Most of us don't get examples like him on earth.

Let me illustrate his quiet strength. As a freshman in high school, I experienced more death than is normal. We had two brothers die of gunshot wounds, a car accident that killed one and left another scarred for life, we had a cancer scare and then we had a suicide. I wasn't really prepared for death or the finality of it.  I knew the junior who took his life. In my life there have been some very pivotal moments and Tim Weber's funeral was one of them. My dad stood behind me as we took our place along the edge of the sanctuary because the church was filled to overflowing.

My dad was a pro at funerals. It comes with his business. He had performed countless memorial services, graveside burials and had helped many grieve the loss death brings. His experience with death ranged from those who had lived long lives to those who had lived only hours. He understood that funerals were vital for closure but that they also tell a story about the deceased that many never understand while they are living. They show our legacy.  A church filled to standing room only with grieving teenagers and their parents showed what Tim couldn't see in life - he had purpose and he was loved.

 I remember vividly when we left the church and my dad drove me to the foothills above Boulder, CO where we sat in the sun and simply experienced God's majestic hand in the world around us. We didn't talk about Tim or the funeral or life lessons or even my grief.  He knew I just needed quiet. I needed to be able to think, hear and respond to what was happening in my heart.  Those types of scenes were typical for my dad. Leading but not directing you to find your own way. 

Even as recently as yesterday I called him to seek direction in the midst of my newest storm. He pointed me to the word. He quoted it. He read it. We remember verses together. That is my dad's legacy. He raised me to know the provision of God's hand. He raised me to have no fear of the future. He raised me to believe that no matter what else I do in life I want to blaze a trail that shines bright with God's glory. He raised me to tell the world what I know to be true - Jesus saves.

As I move forward in life, I want to be like my dad. I have children I want to raise to know that what you do isn't who you are. And how you live isn't nearly as important as who you are living for. I want Karl and Paul to know that there is only one way to God and that when you rest in His arms there is no fear because God is healer, provider, deliverer, and strength. I want my legacy to be children of faith.

Songwriters Michael Masser and Linda Creed had it right when they penned the infamous lines, "The children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way."  Our kids don't need to more self esteem they need more God esteem. They don't need more things in their toy chests they need more prayer in their prayer closets. They need stronger examples of living in the world but not being of it. They need us to stand up for Godly principles. They need us to be examples of Christ's love. They need us to lead them so they can lead their children. Being the parent that leads their children in the path of righteousness is not easy in our society of lawlessness and selfish ambition, but it is imperative.

Living a godly life, marked by righteousness and truth will mark you. The world will look at you and know. They will readily be able to see you are not like they are. Your children will be know as different - they will be marked as well. Being marked as a child is hard. In a world of mindless following, I pray my children are marked for a higher calling and not mixed in with the flock being led away to slaughter.

Demolition

My life the past two weeks has been a bit of a roller coaster ride. But well that seems a bit contrived and way to obvious - laid off, almost get a new job, lost the new job, figuring out the next chapter- the ups and downs make the analogy just a bit too obvious.  So how about this one. The last two weeks and probably more like last six months have been the demolition phase of a total remodel on the house I call life.

When I demolished my first house in 2003, I had no clue what the final product would look like.  The boys dad was the visionary, I just went along for the ride. Of course there was stuff that led to the demolition phase before it even began.  In that house in particular it was neglect.  For about 50 years, the house had been in varying states of disrepair as the older couple that lived there became just the widow and the widow eventually left this world as well.  In her waning years the house had been the least of her worries and things that a younger family would want fixed hadn't been. Neglect can lead to some pretty scary stuff and demolition is the only way to get it out. People in this type of remodel are often scared by demolition because it might reveal more problem than they bargained for and the outcome is never quite sure until the final clean up.

Other remodel jobs are quite the opposite.  They are driven by the watchful eye of a loving caretaker who is taking care and pride to enrich the treasure of their home.  They want to demolish and relish the destruction knowing it is bringing a greater version of the original.

Either way there is need of demolition - and something is driving the change. I am sure you can see where I am going at this point.  My life is in demolition mode. I have been here before and I will come back again in the future. It is a hard time but a good time.  It is full of hope and optimism. My last demolition was brought on by a hurricane this one by a lay-off.  Both were God ordained and directed. One led me out of personal bondage and one is leading me out of professional bondage.

I'm excited about this round of demolition and look forward to wiping out the debris of what was to begin to install what is to be. I would love to say I am the planner who picked this for herself and has a good idea of what the final product looks like but alas I am not. I've been neglecting things and they were starting to fall apart.  But my foundation is good.  I am strong. I was designed by a master architect and what is coming will be His new design. I am bit scared of what we might unearth as we swing the sledgehammer and take down a few walls- but well I am game.  It is time for change and well frankly "I was born for such a time as this" (see Esther 4:14)

Rising to the call

I was sitting at my computer catching up on Facebook when someone posted something about shame and guilt. I can’t remember who it was or even what they posted. But they put the two words together –side by side- and for the first time I realized I used them interchangeably in my life. I was ashamed of my divorce. I was guilty of not trying hard enough. I was ashamed and guilty about my weight. I looked at the computer screen and said “really God I have to ashamed and guilty both? What about repentance and redemption and grace. Where does that play in God?”

I walked away from the screen in a bit of a panic. I was full of despair. I didn't want shame or guilt. In all honesty it was a bit too much for me to digest so I put it away. I went on about the business of the day. As I walked through the rest of the evening though, it kept creeping back into my mind. While I put my two amazing boys to bed that night I heard it! Like a voice in the pit of my soul. “Guilt is what you are – shame is what you wear. Your guilt requires sentencing and Christ took your sentence for you – the shame that’s Satan’s attempt to hide your pardon.”

MY PARDON!!!!  As in totally clean slate. As in like it never happened.  As in something granted - not earned, not merited, not based on truth of my condition - just given with no strings attached. A governor can grant a pardon as can the president. In fact, the president pardons a turkey every year in commemoration of our holiday of Thanksgiving. What does that turkey do to merit being the one chosen? He is the one and only turkey spared death. Why him and not some of beak bearing, feather wearing guy? Clearly the answer is the turkey does nothing.  He doesn't even request it - he doesn't repent of being a turkey - he doesn't turn around and walk the other way as an eagle. He is just pardoned. Singled out by someone who has ultimate authority to decide his fate. Given a stay of execution.

What did I do to merit my pardon? The same as that Thanksgiving turkey. I did nothing. I didn't earn it, didn't receive it based on my good works, I didn't even ask for it. Do you get that your repentance has nothing to do with your pardon.  God didn't say that Jesus took on the sins of only those throughout history who would come and repent. No. Jesus took the weight of the sin of the world on Himself. He did it of His own volition. He used his ultimate authority to decide your fate and mine.

When we continue to wade around in the mire of what we have done and live in shame like Satan wants, we are denying His authority over our lives and His power to create in our lives what He wants from them. The pardon is complete whether you accept it or not. The work was done before you were born and it is there is for you to take hold of and live in. That is what God wants us to hear about guilt and shame. They were beaten on the cross. The battle is over. Just like the turkey we have been given ultimate freedom. We don't have an ax hanging over our heads.

Are you living your pardon? Are you living redeemed? Are you walking around like someone who has just found out that they have escaped death? Or do you wander around like I have for years - believing that I was pardoned, that the work was done but not really living what I believed. After all the guilt wasn't just something I was; it was something I was ashamed of. And the shame, while not fun, was comfortable. Like a worn out pair of jeans that don't really protect from the wind and cold but, well, they are what you have come to expect. It wasn't, and isn't, how a pardoned criminal should live. I wasn't, and sometimes still am not, able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life like a great worship service, a beautiful sunrise or the unconditional love of my children. Instead of celebrating all that I had been saved from, I was worried about what could happen if God realized who He had pardoned and what I would do if He revoked it.

Fear is paralyzing while redemption is freeing. What would happen if you just believed and lived like a pardoned criminal - like one who was truly redeemed? What would happen if you spent your days meeting the needs of others? What would happen if you gave it all - if you just gave your everything, every minute of every day and didn't hold anything back? What would happen if you took your pardon as the gospel that it is and just lived redeemed?  I want to find out. This is the beginning of me laying it all on the line to do with gusto what I believe God is calling me to do. With all I have I am going to try to live like a person pardoned by the All Might Jehovah. I am going to walk in the power of the same Spirit that raised the Son of Man from the dead! I am going to make a mark - and I am going to embrace what God has told me about me - I am going to let the world see my scared little kid inside and together God and I are going to change a nation one day at a time!

Integrity and prayers

Those of you who have worked with me know that I pride myself on doing the right thing and doing it with integrity and honesty. I work hard to be transparent while still honoring the position of confidence that the company has given me. This upcoming week will test my core beliefs in ways they haven't been tested in the last 13 years of corporate America. At a crossroads between duty and doing what is right is a hard place to live. At the end of the day I want to say that over my voice everyone who came in contact with me heard His. 

So to that end my prayer for this week will be to still be singing His praise when each evening arrives. To have the smell of heaven on my soul as I close my laptop each day. I am going to bless the Lord even when it might destroy my career. I am going to do all I can to come out with my integrity, transparency and reputation in tact. 

"The sun comes up 

It is a new day dawning

Time to sing your songs again

Whatever may psss

and whatever lies before me

Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord oh my soul

Oh my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before

Oh my soul

Worship His holy name"

recorded by Matt Redman

Feeling out of place

What comes next - that is the question that has echoed in my ears most of my life. I am goal driven and don't really function well without a goal. Something to strive for and achieve has been the steadfast mantra of my life. I have written about it here before - I worked really hard to graduate from college early. In work I am always among the highest achievers either by productivity or quality measures. I am the one who doesn't really know how to sit still even at home on vacation. I am driven. Goals are not a bad thing at all but there comes a time when you need to look at life and say I am where I need to be and I don't have to have a goal to achieve. Earlier this year, as I looked for what came next I turned to the old stand by of education. But at this point I have to get my PhD as the next step. I have two young men in the house who need me to be at football and swimming and who just want to see mom at dinner sometimes. So the idea of trying to put the goal of another degree on the table seems to be more than a bit of overkill. I have thought about and pursued new jobs inside and outside of my company. I have looked into going back to teaching school. I have thought about 10 or 15 different physical fitness goals I could set. I have looked at weight loss. Trust me when I say that I have tried on about every goal you can think of and shrugged it off because I just didn't have the peace to pursue it.

So where does that leave a girl who feels lost without something to strive toward?  I don't actually know but for now it leaves me feeling a bit out of place.  But how bad can that be - out of place is a king watching the sheep.  Out of place is bald, blind strong man in the temple. Out of place is a prostitute in Jericho. Out of place is a stable in Bethlehem and a saviour in a tomb.

God wants us to be out of place in this world. He wants us to stand out among the crowd. So how about that as a goal for the rest of my life - to never quite feel like I am "there"  - not quite "home".  When I achieved my degree I stopped talking about what I was learning.  I had arrived - I was there.  I am certain that the great commission requires us to be out of place. We have to be in the thick of things to be able to share what God is doing in our hearts and lives. We have to be paying attention as He is teaching us about ourselves and we have to be excited to share.

So I guess my goal for now is out of place and excited about it.

Wondering what to say

I am at a loss for words. Those of you who speak with me regularly never thought this time would come but here it is. About a month ago I set a goal of writing in this blog at least once a week for eight weeks. I set aside time in my calendar at work to complete this task and found out immediately that writing for me is not about time. It is not about preparation, or ideas or even knowledge it is about relationship. When I think about writing something it generally plays out like this - 1. think about the fact that I should be writing in my blog 2. create a mental list of the things I think should be written 3. begin a mental(and sometimes verbal) conversation with myself about said ideas- generally while driving Later - 4. sit down to write and realize that all words were consumed in the conversation I had earlier. Frustrating - right. I mean how can it be that I still remember (nearly verbatim) many of the great conversations of my life but can't get the words out on paper about all these great conversations that happen with God in my truck. I guess I could let this get me down. Or I can use those conversations to cement in me the message God wants me to hear and tell. I didn't start this blog to talk about my life or even to provide anyone with insight or a chuckle on occasion. I started this blog to catalog the things that God is writing in my heart. The things that are my testimony. The things I no longer take on faith because I know they are true. The words I put here are the ones that God is spilling out of me into the world. These are the ones that I can't hold back anymore - the ones that are part of the fabric of my life. So writing here may be spread out a bit by time or bunched all up together but rest assured that these are the words that God is putting here. They are part of me. They are part of Him. They are the foundation of our relationship. They are ones for which I will not apologize or be ashamed. They are the words I am using to build what comes next. They are my launching pad. They are my ministry.

Epic

I hear this word in relation to everything lately. It will be an epic day. That was epic. This is epic.

As an avid reader and former English teacher epic has a very specific connotation to me. Epic is Homer. It isn't a song, a youtube video, or a party. Epic is heroic and poetic and majestic. It has great lines, story lines. Epic is history changing, adventure bringing, life giving, blood pumping drama. There are good and evil, dark and light, hero and villain...when it is epic, good triumphs and evil is banished.

I hate when we dilute great words. It means little to say I want to live an epic life when even a meal can be called that.  We have done it with other words as well. We have destroyed words like righteous and awesome; making them trivial. We have removed importance of these words just like we have words like sacrifice. We sacrifice a diet coke every day to feed a third world child. Or sacrifice our seat on the subway for the women in her eighties. We sacrifice an hour on Sundays (except when the Texans play) to visit the Lord's house. But sacrifice and epic are bigger than we can comprehend.
Epic is the battle raging daily between Heaven and Hell for the souls of those who have not yet meet God. Sacrifice is giving your last breath to speak the truth written in your heart so others can find the way. Epic and sacrificial lives are rare. They take everything you have and they are priceless. An epic life is lived when you have a cause and you're willing to lay it all down to advance that cause. Neither are done for glory or fame. Nor are they done without deliberation and intention. Epic takes planning and precision and discipline. Every battle worth fighting costs you something. And so we better count the cost. Sacrifice will leave you with nothing and in the end an epic soul will bare the battle scars.
Do you have the conviction to live life epicly whatever the cost? Do you believe in anything enough to truly sacrifice? I hope I do! And then when my life is complete I hope our Father greets me by saying "Now that was an epic ride, Angela!"

Can you take it?

Can you take it - when someone provides you the honest truth? When they point out that your version of yourself, or at least the version of you that you want to be, isn't really all there is. How do you respond? Do you get defensive, do you shut down, do you rationalize, do you change? I have been told that I am very coachable. But man what do you do when the coaching nails you to the wall and you come face to face with the version of yourself that you don't really admit even exists? That was my day today. I was told there seem to be two of me working at this company. The one people love to work with and the one people dread working with. What makes the difference? Why are there two versions of me running rampant at HP? Bottom line because there are two of me - not literally but spiritually. There is me who is full of me -full of sin nature and full of spit and fire. Then there is me that is redeemed - full of grace and full of acceptance and peace. Recently I heard an illustration I think fits here well about broken glass. The speaker was telling about the employee who always gets results and drives to completion but leaves glass in their wake. They have managers who come along and sweep up behind them. They make their managers look good but they leave chaos in the midst of the result. They make more work than they produce for those coming behind them. I have never considered myself a glass breaker but with two of me running around there is clearly some glass sitting at my feet. But it is okay - I can take it - I can get back to one person- I can stop the glass from crashing behind - because I have a power not my own. In the words of Rolf U Lovland - When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary; When troubles come and my heart burdened be; Then, I am still and wait here in the silence, Until you come and sit awhile with me. You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains; You raise me up, to walk on stormy seas; I am strong, when I am on your shoulders; You raise me up: To more than I can be. There is no life - no life without its hunger; Each restless heart beats so imperfectly; But when you come and I am filled with wonder, Sometimes, I think I glimpse eternity. I can take it - I am more than I can be!

Scary things

If you know me you know one of my favorite sayings is "free to go, free to stay". But how scary is that. It means you have to be totally out of control and who really wants to be totally out of control. I am the one with a million things to do and an order to do them in. I have a checklist - go to school, get degree, get job, work hard, advance, retire. I make goals, achieve goals, and don't let anyone get in my way. But there is a secret voice in my head that says you aren't doing what He called you to do. Of course, I don't seem to have a checklist for how to accomplish that one. How does one go about becoming a full time vocational minister while working full time? Believe it or not this week someone told me I needed a goal. I know it is hard to believe, me with no goals...I was pretending that I didn't know exactly what goal I need to set. They recommended I ask my family if they could think of something I talked about doing all the time but hadn't done. My husband said "you need to be involved in the church more." The original person had said you need to be involved in church more. I said "Man I hate it when God sends all these people to remind me to do what He has already told me to do and I haven't done." But that is because for a long time I haven't been equally free. Remember free to stay and free to go. Trust me, I have been plenty free to stay. After all HP is a great place to work. I tell people all the time how wonderful it is and how blessed I am that God has given me this season. And it is so easy to see how it will provide for the boys to go to college and how it will provide for me to retire someday and how I can control it all the way down the line. But the reality is I want to be free to no longer be in control, I want to be free to be amazed by God and His miraculous power to amaze. So today I did a scary thing. I woke up and said wherever and whenever to God. I know of one lady who did this and God said quit your job - and a few months later her husband was laid off - but God never let them lose their house,or go hungry, He carried them through and He moved on their behalf. You might have heard of that lady as well - Joyce Meyer. I know another young couple who moved to California without a single idea how they would support themselves and now she is teaching at a bible college -even though she is young and without credentials other than the might God living in her. Scary things - but today I am free to go - not where I want or where I see me - but where God gets to be awesome through me. I am taking the challenge to do something brave and just let Him drive. Let Him move me - after all lots of you have told me that I have a message in my heart that He wants to get out. So watch out Houston or Texas or the World - I letting go and letting God - and I am thanking Him already for providing something magnificent for me to do for His kingdom. Don't get me wrong that doesn't mean I am quitting my job or that I am sitting still and doing nothing. I am doing what He told me - I am getting involved locally - I am open to wherever He asks me to share. I am seeking His word so that everyday I am free to speak without hesitation to those around me. I am touching one life everyday - His! And I am free to go to work each day knowing that I don't need a checklist to make ministry my vocation. I am free to stay put where He has placed me and work on ministering in this season with HP being the one who signs the paycheck until He says they don't. The bottom line is it is just as scary to stay as it is to move. But either way I don't want to make it happen in my own will and power anymore. I am going to operate on God's energy and timeline and that is how miracles happen.

Man made molds

You come from a long line of ____. You are so good at_____. Look at her/him, you should be/look/act just like that ______. Each of us can fill in the blanks of the man made molds that have been suggested, requested, shoved and thrown at us by society, our friends, family members and even those we have put on ourselves. Some of them are a perfect fit - for me it was clear from a very early age I would be a teacher just like the long line of relatives before me. (After all only teachers set up math homework for their dolls and give detention when it isn't turned in on time.) Others don't fit no matter how hard we try. I won't ever be the gifted athlete that my brother Tom is or the talented musician that James is or open to change like my sister Joy. However, the reality I have been embracing in the last few months is that man made molds hold us back from what is really important to us. Let me share a very personal example, I have always been smaller and heavier than most women my age. My enormous stature of 5'2" and weight closer to 200 than farther away has often made me feel pressured to fit a man made mold to be 60 pounds lighter and wear ridiculous shoes to be taller. While I will probably always keep my superhigh heels and love them, I have never really desired to be 115 pounds. Aside from the fact that I would look malnurished, it isn't the mold of me I want to make. But that doesn't mean I haven't spent countless hungry hours and hundreds of dollars trying to find a way to get to the emaciated version of me that fits the man made mold of what a healthy women should look like. For the last two or three years, the company that I work for has given us an additional amount of money toward our health benefits if we will go ad have our "numbers" checked. This is a great gift. What I have found out is that my numbers, all of them, are in the healthy range....shatter that man made mold. I am healthy just the way I am. So why for the last two years have a I continued to report my weight loss weekly to a wonderful support group of women who are also working toward healthy lifestyles...because I haven't let the mold shatter. Truth be told, I like me right now. I like that I do a variety of activities. That I don't feel compelled to starve or miss a wonderful opportunity to connect with someone over a glass of wine or piece of chocolate cake. I even like how I look in a swimsuit. I am making a new mold. There are things I do want though. For example, I want better cardio edurance. I want to be able to swim for 45 minutes with minimal need for a catch my breath break. I want to be able to ride my bike 25 miles or more in a day and still be able to climb stairs the next day. These are the molds I want to make for myself. As I make new molds I have to make new habits. For the last three years, I have lived a deprivation lifestyle. I have deprived myself of things that I want because they would not produce the man made mold I was workig so hard to squeeze into. As I move forward I have to track the things that matter and stop depriving myself of those that don't. Starting today I don't care how many points or calories I eat in a day but I do care if I made strides toward a stronger heart. As I am breaking out of this one man made mold, I am forced to wonder how much of my life I have sandwiched into molds not meant for me. Would you believe the little girl with a classroom of dolls doesn't teach anymore? I left it to move up the ladder. But was the move the right mold? I am stil figuring that one out. But I can tell you for certain that knowing what mold you want to fit is the first step toward making a big change in your life or even a little one. I am all about breaking molds going forward. I don't want to be what someone else thinks I should be - I want to be what makes me whole, healthy, happy and wise. Got any molds you want to smash with me?