A beginning for resolutions

It is the season of resolutions and new beginnings. This time of year always set us in reflection of the year past and hope for the year to come. It is no coincidence that this time comes at the same time as Christ's birth. There is no other single moment in history that so naturally divides what has gone before from what is to come. The birth of the King is the end of the covenant with Abraham and the hope of the covenant to mankind. It is the resolution of a loving Father to redeem His wayward children. I remember the day of my first child's birth with amazing clarity. There was a desk nurse who made a comment about "mom's like me" who refused help carrying our bags. Then the anesthesiologist who prayed with me before the c-section even though he had never laid eyes on me before that moment. The precious, heavy seconds between the release of the baby and his first gulping cry announcing his arrival to all who could hear. And Tricia, my OB, calling out the official time of birth. 8:05 am that Friday morning drew a line in my life where no longer would I ever be just one...going forward I was two. I had hopes, fears and an enormous swelling of promise in my heart. Every year I feel a piece of that same expectation. Just like my child's life each new year is a clean slate to be written in the pen of love. A slate is something I am very familiar with having been both teacher and waitress. In both school and restaurant we use the slate to point to the MOST important things. These are the things we want you to remember. The most vital facts go on the slate and we often chose to wipe it clean and start fresh. So as you wipe clean the slate from 2011 and begin to determine what will be important for 2012, can I ask that you spend a quiet moment to hear the voice of the author of the first new year's resolutions? Will you be still to hear the voice of your heavenly Father as He tells you what He thinks is crucial for next year? Be patient sometimes hearing Him is hard - but as my six year old point out recently -"Patience will lead you to God's Heart Mom and when you get God's Heart you get love." And really isn't that the most important of all resolutions. The greatest commandment. And when all is said and done in 2012 just like it was 2000 years ago - Love is the first and greatest commandment - "love the Lord your God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself."(Luke 10:27) Make 2012 important!

Only One? Really?

For many years I have tried to be open minded to how one comes to God. You know many ways, one Lord but I don't want to wishy washy any longer. There is one way to the Father, one way to eternal life- there is one God and one great blood sacrifice. You cannot deny the need of the payment for our debt. Have you ever been the victim of a crime, either small or large it doesn't matter, your very soul longs for restitution. You want someone to restore life to how it was before. If we, being merely human, long for a sacrifice to atone wrongs committed against us- how much more will the divine maker desire restoration? God desires it so desperately that He pays the debt for us. He paid what was stolen from Him already in order to restore what was rightfully His in the first place. Now that is what I call a gift. But gifts aren't gifts until they are claimed. How sad it must make the Creator when He sees us open email scams promising free gifts we need simply to claim. Millions have lost money and identity claiming false gifts that offered nothing while an eternal gift sits unclaimed in front of them. How sad that in our arrogance we fail to see that we are only here because of His desire to commune with us. We are not even grains of sand in the universe and yet He pursues us. Have you ever stopped to think about what would happen if you took the gift at face value? What if you claimed it as yours, believing all that went with it? What if like a child you put "dibs" on what God was giving you and cherished it like a prize? Blind trust that God is who He says He is, that He has done what the Word says He has done, that He is going to do what He promised He would. What would happen if you chose to believe - He would prove Himself. He would show you that your faith is not misguided. He would reveal Himself to you. You would be so overwhelmed by who He is, what He has done for you, and what He wants from you that you would become active for Him. You would be on mission to tell the world about Him, to reveal Him to anyone willing to listen and respond. There are some who on occassion read my ramblings who are shutting down now(or gearing up a whole come back comment that shows me all the errors in my thinking). To each of you, I ask this one question...what if you knew that at the end of reading this blog you would be faced with your moment of death. What would that change for you? Would you risk what comes next on the possibility that I am wrong or would you heed the ache in your heart that you have never been able to fill. That still small voice that is calling you in this moment whispering that what I am saying is true. I hope that not one of you have to face that moment of clarity when you can't go back and all of eternity stretches in front of you before you make a choice. I want more than anything for each of you to come to a realization that God is and was and will always be. But sadly, I know that life is short and our hours are numbered. We spend them filled with things that lack eternity. We pursue things that mean everything in the moment and nothing when we are gone. He is standing ready to give you the gift if you want to claim it. It is the one way to rest in His arms like a babe at her mother's breast. Don't spend another hour on the temporal when the eternal is yours for the claiming.

Standing at the Ready

As I entered the chapel I couldn't help but notice him in his dress greens, with his definite military posture and haircut, what almost escaped my eye was the shred of a tissue in his hand. As a matter of fact I would have missed it, if he hadn't lifted it to dab at his moist eyes keeping the tears at bay. He was watching the toddler running from pew to pew, out into the vestibule and then back down the center aisle. As I slipped forward to pay my respects and pass along my sympathies to the family of the fallen solider, I tried to find ways to practically support those who were grieving. After all, I had not known this man in life but I did love his family dearly. As I sat with his cousin, more military men entered the room. They had the pomp and circumstance of the honor guard and it was time for them to rotate a new solider into position to stand guard over the casket. What an incredibly emotional moment. A fallen solider so cared for by his fellow soldiers that they protect his final resting place as a treasure of national consequence. Throughout the day I continue to see these little nuances of the men in uniform - small things that they would do or say, the people they would follow and protect. Those not in the honor guard were here from Michael's unit and were each assigned someone in the family to protect or watch over. Santiago, the first one I mentioned, was assigned guard for the son of a hero. Others watch the boy's mother and grandparents. The honor guard guarantees his status as one of the elite in our world who deserves all the celebration he is now receiving. Given just a few moments of quiet, I took the liberty of thanking Santiago for the sacrifice he makes to protect our country. He, like so many other soldiers I have met, shrugs off the gratitude and said it is nothing.
But it is something. Something so powerful that I have felt compelled to write about it since that moment. He stands at the ready. In a moment's notice, he like so many others is prepared to give his life to save mine. To guarantee my freedom, his family is willing to let him die. And now as he places his friend and fellow solider into the eternal, he stood at the ready to defend Michael's body from whatever enemy might seek to interfere. Given the season, it seems only fair to draw the parallel between these men and one who came years ago in a stable. The Christ child came to die. His sole purpose was to stand at the ready as a sacrifice for you and me. One of my favorite songs from this season asks the question "Mary did you know?" Clearly the answer is she didn't. The Jews believed their Messiah was coming to rule and reign as a King. She thought she had been chosen to bear the one who would rule the Jews  - not die for their sins. She didn't know her sacrifice, and His, would free generations to come. She didn't know. But she wouldn't have done it any other way. "Be it unto me according to your word Lord." that is what she wanted - to be the vessel that brought the world its greatest hero. Jesus says to us in Luke 12:48b "...to whom much is given, much is required." He gave us salvation...what shouldn't we give in return? This land gave Micheal freedom in return he stood ready to defend up to the moment of his death. Christ gave me eternity in return I stand at the ready!

A force to be reckoned with

If you want to read a book about prayer you need only look as far as any Christian bookstore. And immediately you will be bombarded with hundreds of titles about how to be powerful in your prayer and how to be effective in prayer. There are so many titles and theories because Prayer is effective! It changes things. Don't believe me....James 5:16 The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much(KJV). Is that a bit too old English for you? How about out of the NIV "The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective." Or maybe you like the Message "The prayer of a person living right with God is something powerful to be reckoned with." You cannot deny the power of prayer. James 5 goes on to reference the prophet Elijah who following God's command prayed that there would be no rain for three and a half years and there wasn't. Why did God have Elijah pray this way? Because a generation had forsaken the Lord. We live in such a generation. People don't know the one true and living God. They don't know the power of resurrection and redemption. We live in a time of chaos and destruction. It could lead us to despair. Elijah could have felt the same...all the prophets and believers had been slain. All those following the Lord had been lost. The times were troubled. But instead of despair or fear, Elijah used the force to be reckoned with - Prayer. He prayed that repentance would happen. That when the drought was over the nation of Israel would again believe in her God. Our times are no different than those of Elijah. Our weapon no weaker than his. Pray for the nation to return to her roots, or your son/daughter to return to the teachings of their childhood, or you friend or co-worker who has lost their way. It doesn't matter who you are praying for...just that you are praying. James 5 ends this way. "My dear friends, if you know people who have wandered off from God's truth, don't write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction and prevented an epidemic of wandering away from God."(The Message) Don't write anyone off today, instead pursue them. Pray for them. Use the force! Restore peace between them and their God!

Wearing the Mark

I don't generally quote The Message, but I have to admit that I love the way it staets the great commission in Matthew 28. "Go out and train everyone you meet, far and near, in this way of life, marking them by baptism in the threefold name: Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Then instruct them in the practice of all I have commanded you. I'll be with you as you do this, day after day after day, right up to the end of the age."(v19-20). I especially like that it refers to the marking of saints by baptism. I have always believed that one Sunday night in 1977 was especially important in the timeline of my life. It marked me. It marked the day I stood in the baptismal with my earthly father and told the world that I would stand forever with my heavenly Father and that He had stood in the gap for me. Baptism is the setting apart of your life. The blessing of it. The consecration of your life to the work of God. It was the beginning of a journey that has taught me to do all things as unto the Lord and to His glory. My moment is the moment that set in motion the moment I witnessed today. A moment of heart wrenching joy! A moment of great and abiding peace - a moment when my sons set themselves apart for Him. I love that The Message calls those of us who have been baptized marked men and women. I believe it is imperative that we walk as though that mark were as visible as Christ's scars. It should mark us as living in the world but not brought down by it. I skimmed over the title of an article posted by a pastor in Houston the other day. It mentioned that the church would not be successful in this age if we continued to say we love the sinner and hate the sin. I agree and disagree at the same time. Loving someone is the greatest of the commandments according to Jesus in Matt 22:37-39(Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord they God with all they heart, and with all they soul and with all they mind. this is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself."(King James) So yes we must above all be inclusive in our love. Reaching the world with the Love of Christ is more important than anything. But the greatest example of love was Christ himself. He became sin, suffered rejection and died a sinner's death on the cross but He never said that because of His death there is no more sin, no more judgement, no more right and wrong. He did not give us a blank check that allows for us to worship other gods, steal, kill, destroy, lie or any other of a laundry list of sins. So in fact there is a price to be paid for sinning or continuing in it. The problem we face in the church today is not loving people, or embracing the sinner, or even judging the sin. It is that we have become so much a part of this world that we are not longer visible by our mark. Nobody can tell the difference between us and them. We believe, we baptize and then we don't change. We wallow in the mire of sin saying that if we don't then how will they know the love of the Lord. It is a war our there. We are either dark or light? We are either for Him or against Him. We cannot stand in the midst of the sin and expect to reflect Christ's love to sinners if we are different. In battle, the soldiers are all visible by platoon or regiment based on the markings of their clothes. If you are wounded int the war, you look for the mark of the red cross to find a medic, corpsman or hospital worker. If you are a child who is lost in the streets you search for the police uniform and colored lights of a squad car to find your way home. If you want to find Jesus you should be able to tell His followers by their mark, by the striking difference between them and the world around them. I know that for years my mark was covered. Painted over with the colors of the world but not anymore I want to stand for something. And the something I want to stand for is the same something that brought my boys to the baptismal. That hope. That faith. That childlike trust that He is who He claims to be and that without Him I am nothing. I am standing up and brushing off the dust of this world to show my mark. I want people to know by the words of my mouth and the actions of my hands that I am different, wholly and completely different. Tomorrow morning is the first day of the marked lives of Karl and Paul. This week, Karl is choosing to listen to only Christian music and Paul is looking to tell someone about Jesus. I pray that everyday going forward they will love sinners and saints alike and that everyone will know them by their markings of their hearts.

are you running?

Last year in September I had the wonderful fortune of meeting Meg Brown Stead through HP.  She unfortunately lives across the globe and so I have not seen her since but trust me our friendship is a treasure for me.  Through her I virtually met her dad, John Brown, who is a great prophet and writes amazing little sermons right on facebook.  Today's sermon was too good not to post again!  And so I quote Pastor John Brown -

Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up, It knows it must run faster than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up, It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle; when the sun comes up, you'd better be running.
Friends, if you are not seeking the Lord, the Devil is seeking you. In the Christian life, it's not enough simply to wake up. We are called to run, to become more like Christ, to press ahead in godliness. Run like you have never run before!! John Brown. GBYAY

So are you running?

Alarm Clocks

I have never been a fan of the alarm clock.  I like to go to sleep whenever and wake up the same way.  Unfortunately for me, I have not inherited millions of dollars and must in fact be at my desk at a fairly consistent time each day.  So enter the alarm clock!  

Anyone who knows me well is aware that I live my life by the calendar and the little beeps my phone makes whenever an appointment is imminent.  Being so fond of this type of structure it is somewhat surprising that I truly find the alarm clock to be mean and vile thing!  Especially at 330 am!  Which is the time that Tom must wake up in order to be awake enough to actually teach his 5 am bootcamp!  330 am is a time of day when only bad things happen!  Shins run into the end of bed and clothes play hide and seek in the dark.  The coffee pot has not yet perked and there is definite frigidness in the air.  The biggest problem with alarm clocks as 330 am is the days when the alarm goes off long enough to produce enough "awakeness" for me to not be able to drift back off into the beautiful world of dreams.  Those are the days that make me curse physical fitness and anyone who would really want to run in the dark.

But for the next eight weeks the alarm is off.  The 5 am bootcamp is being taught by some other fanatic and my husband is sleeping in!  What a concept!  What a wonderful gift to him and to me and to us!  Who knew that a simple 3 hours of extra sleep could produce a man who has so much energy. Who knew that 3 hours of sleep could ease the blast of cold air when one partner slips out to start the day.  Who knew how quiet it is at 330 and 400 and 430 and 500 when no alarms or feet or keys are moving  in the house.  Who knew that killing the alarm clock could produce such a symphony of quiet and peace....maybe I can convince him that 5 am is okay without him forever!  Here's to all the men and women who are suffering through a new instructor so I can have a few weeks of blissfully alarm clock heaven!

And one thing leads to another

I am by nature a reflective person.  By that I mean I have been know to look back at a situation in my past and hash over it to find hidden meanings, relationships to current circumstances and ways it has effected my life.  Take for example, Hurricane Ike of 2008.  The massive hurricane left a city of 4 million in the dark for almost two weeks but it was a single point of light for me that altered the course of my life, the lives of my boys, and many others.  It was a series of small things that lined up to create something truly big.

Another chance set of events was set in motion in May of 2000 when my husband decided that we should by a very old house that we couldn't really afford. Did I mention it was a very old house?  With all the financial need bearing down on me, I submitted an application to a company called HP.  I really didn't think anything would come of  it and did it to humor my husband. I fully expected to go back to teaching the following fall...then one thing led to another and they offered me a job.  That single point in life allowed me so many opportunities and 12 years later I am still amazed how one thing led to another.

As a very small child I used to sit in under my mother's quilter's frame and watch as she stretched the quilt to finish the piecing and prepare it for finishing.  From underneath you couldn't see the color or the design but you could see strings and seams some of which were uneven and off kilter.  I wondered if I pulled one string hard enough would the whole thing fall apart?  But my mom and her friends worked diligently for weeks, and soon something pretty emerged...circles and squares of small even white thread stitches on a solid color background. I loved it.  Finally my mother declared it finished and showed me the quilt from above.  The brilliant color patches that appeared to be placed by chance had really been woven into an intricate and amazing pattern. The circles and squares I knew were hidden in the peaks and valleys of the fluffy welcoming warmth of the blanket. One small thing lead to another and what I thought might have fallen apart has lasted 38 years and sits in my closet reminding me that what God is doing now looks a mess from below but is a masterpiece from above.    No matter that the seams aren't straight and you think it might be falling apart at this very moment.  No matter that all you see is one single color and one repeated design. No matter that you may never see what the quilter sees. Just know that one small thing leads to another and eventually the masterpiece is complete. The truest beauty of that first quilt in my life..all I did was play underneath it paying no mind to what was happening above content to know that my mother was close at hand.  How much I wish that I lived as contendedly now as I did then knowing that is my Father's shadow I see in the chance events of life.

Dreams

More than anything in this world, I want to be in full-time vocational ministry.  I want to teach women to be strong in the Lord, to believe He has a plan for them and to rise above the stuff that holds our feet to the floor.  Every Monday morning, as I head off to the office I promise myself that this week I will figure out some way to make this dream come true.  I will find a magical way to make sure my family has a house to live in while I try to start a ministry and have no paycheck.  I promise to write more in my blog about what God is showing me about myself and the world and His word.  And each week I step into my office and it doesn't happen.  So this weekend I had a thought...what if all God wants is for me to just step.  Our pastor spoke on Joshua 3 today and mentioned that the priests had stepping faith.  I liked that they took action...so here is mine..I will post this to my world via facebook shortly...I think this constitutes stepping faith.

The whole of the Jordan river stood between the Israelites and the promised land.  For me the Jordan River isn't something I can face, it is life as I have known it for 12 years.  It is life as the boys have known it forever.  It is a custody agreement and a few bills that amount to a great deal of fear for the future...but today I am stepping up to the Jordan River and getting my feet wet.  The priests stepped in the river and it parted for them.  They went in and possessed the promise land...now surely they had to battle and the battle was brutal with a great deal of carnage left behind. But for once I want to face the battle head on and win it in the name of the Lord.  I want to see the group of women God showed me years ago sitting in a gym on bleachers waiting to hear that God loves them, He desires them and they are the passion of His heart.

Today I am giving flight to my dreams!

Symbols

If you have kids or have taught kids or were a kid, you can understand how hard the concept of symbols can be.  Recently my kids have been discussing symbols on a regular basis.  For Cub Scouts, we talk about the symbol of our flag which stands for our freedom(another totally easy concept to understand as a kid). We have talked about the symbol of baptism at church or the symbol of the cross in Mom's tattoo.  But really I think that they idea of symbolism had escaped them until last Friday in our pastor's office.

He pointed to his wedding ring and said what does this mean...they knew.  Then he took it off and asked "am I still married"...well coming from a divorced family that was a tough one...i am sure my little Paul's head was spinning going well Mom took one off and wasn't married to Dad anymore then she put a new one on and was married to Tom....so ...is he still married?  We decided on yes  - yes he is married regardless of his ring.  They got that!  It made sense.  Finally a symbol that they could grasp and hold onto.

We love symbols.  We attach them to holidays, we put them on our cars, houses, stationery, and bodies.  We think we know what they mean but like the ring if you took away your symbol could you say what was missing.  What does that rosary really mean?  If you never had another cross in your house, would everything in your life stay the same?  Would you still be married? Would you still be bound to the idea and the love that went with the symbol you lost?

Jesus was a symbol.  I explained that to the boys today.  In a vague bit of gory detail.  They both decided that  the symbol of the lamb was one they were glad was gone.  They didn't like the blood or the detail or that reliance on someone other than themselves for access to God.  They love the idea that they can wear Jesus just like I wear my wedding ring.  They can be clothed in Him and His glory.  November 6th they are symbolically dying...and symbolically rising.  I couldn't be prouder of the symbol they are choosing to wear!

Funny things abound

Here are a few funny things I have seen or overhead at my house this week.

Karl:  "My cub scout meeting was delightful!"

Paul: "Mom please don't dye your hair blue and gold if we sell too much popcorn for Cub Scouts...it will hurt your hair..and I dont want your hair to hurt!"

Tom:  "What...you bought me a tablet...wow this is awesome...now I can watch fight videos everywhere!"  Did I mention he hasn't put it down except for 5 hours of sleep since he got it?

Karl:  "I just think that I like order it pizza better Mom...this is pretty much gross!"

Paul:  "I think my most not favorite president was Abraham Lincoln because I don't think he really knew he was president."

Paul:  "I could dress up as George Washington...all I need is a wig...you can sew that!"

Yes funny things abound everywhere!

And then it rained

This past weekend we had three staright days with rain. This may not sound like much but when it has been over 5 months since you have seen a drop it is miraculous.
Rain cleanses the earth providing new growth and generally leaving everything more beautiful and definitely happier. The rain gives a necessary respite from the heat and sun. It cools everything down and ushers in a newness much like the dawn.
Just like the rain, tears are the cleansing and renewing force of the spirit. When a soul goes too long without the relief of tears it ventures into the land off drought and trust me drought touches everything. The dirt gets everywhere in a season of drought and no matter how often you dust it is back before you have set down your rag. Drought and tears yet another way the nature shows the ebb and flow of life if we are merely willing to watch and emulate.  So great is our maker that He gave us examples so go have a good cry if it has been awhile...I promise it will feel better when you are finished even if there is thunder and lightening with those teardrops!

Parents

Recently I told someone I had won the parent lottery.  And that is really an understatement.  My parents are amazing.  They have lead with patience, courage and dedication a family that did not always appreciate what it had.  As kids we often lamented our lack of designer clothes or the fact that we lived in a mobile home.  I have often jokingly told how after college my parents had re-designed the room I had shared with my younger sister to have only one bed so I was relegated to the driveway in a camping trailer designed to fit on the back of my father's pickup truck.  But in reality I have always had a place to come home to.  In the darkest of nights by mom and dad have been the solid beacon of light leading to safe harbor.  They have remained constant in a world full of tsunamis and hurricanes. 

Three years ago I left an abusive relationship about the same time my dad was diagnosed with cancer. True to dad's style he downplayed his own issues so that I could focus on my healing.  Who knows how many times he put me first.  I got the shoes while his socks got darned and were worn inside shoes that he had resoled himself.  As I was finally landing on my feet and feeling solid, Mom told me that his cancer was getting worse.  His numbers were up and they had to stop the "watchful waiting" and begin a more aggressive treatment.  That started about 4 months ago.  I took my children to see him and he looked healthy.  He acted healthy and he played off the treatment as routine.  Then yesterday I asked him how he was doing and my sweet, wonderful, strong dad said..."He was right with God and that was really all that matter".  I heard for the first time in 41 years the humanness of my father.  He worries, he prays, he fears, he feels.  When faced with the frailty of his own life he is content to know he has served his Father and that he is right with the Lord.  If you don't know my dad that is his way of saying he is okay if it is his time to go home. But for the record I am not ready!  So not ready!  I need more Dad hugs, and special moments where I am the one he calls to fix his computer because I am the more patient teacher type.  I need more stories and more popcorn and more Christmas mornings singing Happy Birthday to Jesus. But that is not the guarantee it is just the hope.  So Dad I guess I am good with God too and if you go...will you watch for me and then when I come home in a few years...do you think maybe you could give me one of those great dad hugs and introduce me to our maker! 

I love you!

Joint parenting plans

I was reading last night that the hardest part of being divorced is looking past your own feelings toward your spouse and seeing what is best for your kids.  The article talked in limited detail about making a joint parenting plan, all that is well and good when both parties are able to be parents.  I am not saying that my ex can't be a parent, I am just saying I don't think he can sustain it.  He has a child from a previous marriage and while he has grown a lot as a parent with our boys he still leaves a great deal to be desired.  For that matter as a mother I probably do as well.

So if neither of us is a perfet parent, and we have some pretty hostile feelings toward each other how do we create a joint parenting plan that works for the kids.  I would say ask them but courts don't think that they know yet what they want or need.  I beg to differ.  Of course you knew I would, or else I would not be writing. 

My 8 year old has known for years what he wants.  Sure he sometimes doesn't want to take a shower or would prefer to eat sugary sweets than vegetables and sometimes he needs a nudge in the right direction.  He is after all just like you and me in minature.  So why shouldn't his opinion count?  I mean after all he is the one who has to have two bedrooms, two sets of toys, two sets of rules and two different schedules.  It would seem that joint parenting plan should include a child preference section.  One that says..."hey Dad, I do love spending weekends with you but I don't want to come home with you not even just for a night after cub scouts."  Oh wait, he has already told his dad that.  Many times when he could have gone to Dad he wanted to come home. It isn't about who is the better parent. It is not a competition between us, it is a  puzzle of what is best for each child.  And each child needs his own individaulized joint parenting plan.  so what am I going to do now that their dad seems to want them back for a week at a time...i guess i am going to just trust that God will fix it.  Hoping that each of them is comfortable enough with both Dad and me to say what they need to say and that in the end my brilliat children don't end up less brilliant, less excited and more cynical for all the transition they have to go through.

And maybe if everything is working out for me their Dad won't find an apartment he can rent for a week at a time and he won't try this ridiculous change that means nothing but pain for the boys.  And maybe just maybe someday I will get to where I know when his threats are idle and when they are more.

Sweet Summertime

Summer is winding down at my house and for the first time since my childhood I am sorry to see it go.  For the longest time the end of summer meant the return to my classroom and the new batch of faces and lives I was devoted to changing.  Now there is no classroom and the end of summer takes the two faces I treasure most and puts them back in school.  While I am blessed to be able to visit them in class and to spend countless hours with them at home, I know that the summers like this one will rapidly vanish into summers of chasing and catching girls, part-time jobs and less time for snuggling with mom. 

This summer was full of adventure, achievement, laughter and butterfly kisses.  We watched each other compete in the swimming pool and set new personal records.  We all jumped and kicked our way through forms and sparring and karate tournaments.  We explored the ruins of the Alamo and the heights of the Tower of the Americas.  We swam and dove and rode slides and played with friends.  And at the end of each glorious day I am granted a moment to watch them both and remember that they are the restoration of the bad choices I made and the healing redemptive work of God my Father.  I am so blessed to have them and so blessed to be the one God trusted to help them grow.  They are my heart and as school prepares to start again, I feel a bit of my heart is ripping out to join them as they walk the halls of their school, learn new things in its classroom and grow just a few steps closer to manhood. 

Just can't live like this anymore and other things you should never say in a fight

Lately, my husband and I have started quite a collection of the things you should never say in a fight.  Things like "I don't even like you right now" or "I just can't live like this anymore".  We have a great marriage...one that is open and honest and authentic.  We don't pretend things are okay when they aren't and we don't hide from issues...but we also don't always fight fair.  Often times the words are hurtful and can't be pulled back.  They come out as "you always" and "you never" and "this is never going to end".

I know that when I was a child I was told that words can't hurt but they can.  Sometimes it is even the ones we say ourselves that hurt the most.  They leave blood everywhere in the marriage.  I train in customer service and one of my clients requires that all customer service calls include empathy to the caller, listening, thinking(about the real issue) and responding(with help).  That for the customers that buy makeup and skincare from their company but when it comes to people who love us we forget to basics.  Did you empathize with your spouses position in the last argument...probably not(at least not if you are like me)?  How about listening...how are your listening skills?  Are you listening to the cues in the argument...did you catch the subtle ones like..you used to do this and now you dont or the I just need you to? What do you think...would you still be married if your spouse could see your words in a cartoon bubble above your head?  Or are you thinking...what can I offer in this situation?  What can I do to make this better for him/her?  What do I need to say to respond to the actual cue my spouse is giving me?  And then when you respond...are you using your best smile in your voice or the F*&K you voice? 

I wonder what Tom thinks when he shakes his head while I speak.  I know it isn't "Wow, my wife really heard me on this one.  She knows what I need and she is working at finding a solution." 

Don't get me wrong I understand that relationship problems are really much more complex and difficult than I need to put a hold on my account because I have too much toner or I don't like your makeup so I am cancelling.  But really would it be so hard to be an advocate for your spouse?  That's what our phone agents are called...Advocates.  What a powerful thought.
It is easy to be an advocate for your best friend or your parents.  Absolutely easy... you can fight for them to be treated fairly, to be given preferential treatment.  And for you kids...are you ever not an advocate?  You always seek what is  best for them...but an advocate for your spouse?  Hard to imagine in a fight being the one who stops to think....am I treating my spouse with preference to myself or am I working hard to see my spouse reaches a solution in this situation that keeps them happy?

I guess that's about all my brain has for today...but seriously...am I the only one who finds I herself lost in her own wants, needs and hurtful words when the fight starts and the last one to look to be her spouse's advocate....the one who won't let any injustice come to the one that is most close to her heart....I really hope I am the only one....but I think the divorce rate of the world says I am not!

Is it worth the fight?

I have spent a few days being beaten up by a client.  Wondering if we ever did anything right, if what we did was ever going to be good enough, if the end result would be that they would pull their business and go to our competitor and leave us out of work?  But then I remember something I saw in a cartoon the other day.  In the cartoon  a young girl asks another Agnes to take a personality test.  She shows a glass that is filled with water...you know the glass I am talking about the one that is half full or half empty.  Agnes' response is "either way there is room for improvement". 

That was a lightbulb moment for me this afternoon...it really doesn't matter if we were right or the client was right...what matters is there is room for improvement.  As I settled into my new truth I realized that fighting against the inevitable is something I have spent a lifetime perfecting.  I remember my dad handing me the serenity prayer years ago and nearly commanding me to commit it to memory.  He saw something in my personality that has a hard time letting go...but really there are only certain things worth the fight and they are few and far between.  There are not always black and white options and sometimes the real truth is just that there is room for improvement no matter how you look at. 

So how did the day end...half full or half empty...neither...we just left some room for improvement!

Momma Bear

Last week my son recieved another conduct grade of satisfactory instead of excellent.  For most people that would be wonderful, but for me it wasn't. I had to process this all week long to determine what it is about the 'S' that set my hackles up and brought out momma bear.   After hours of thinking, talking and rehashing the problem it boiled down to was that I don't think that my son is simply satsisfactory.  The teacher explained to me that being given an 'S' means he is doing exactly what is required of him.  But I know Paul and he is an exemplary citizen.  He doesn't sit still well but he can tell when someone is hurting both physically and emotionally.  He is always the first to offer sympathy and love.  He picks up trash and requests that we do all sorts of things in a green way to save the environment.  He is an excellent citizen especially when you realize he is only 5. He replies with yes ma'am and no sir.  He is an excellent citizen! So how dare a teacher who wants a group of cookie cutter, silent, still children tell me he is not an excellent citizen. Is being a responsible and contributing citizen about being silent, sitting still and acting just like everyone else?  I would say no.  Benjamin Franklin wasn't a cookie cutter child, Albert Einstein wasn't the same as everyone else.  Abe Lincoln, George Washington Carver, and so many others were not quiet, cookie cutter children or adults.  So how dare you tell my child that his desire to dance when he finishes his assignment is unacceptable.  That his desire to help his friends or hop instead of walk makes him less rewardable than his peers.  He is what my company wants.  He is innovation. He is creativity.  He is a free thinker who cannot be boxed.  So watch out public education...this momma bear won't let you twist my child into what everyone else is.  I won't let you make him a sheep who follows along without thinking.  I won't let you steal my precious bear cub.  Let him be.  Teach him, nurture him and help him grow or expect the wrath of this momma bear!

blending

I am sitting in my truck after a massive blowout in my livingroom. I needed space to calm down. The fodder for said explosion...one ex husband. Blending families is a monumental task. One dad doesn't feel included, another refuses to be involved except on his terms, i want the kids to want me(the steady eddie) as much as santa dad and the kids just don't want to be shuffled anymore. It isn't fair...but fair is a word for a whole different blog. I guess blending is just a process of continual stirring till all the lumps are out and the batter is well mixed. Blenders cut stuff up into little bit size pieces and liquify it. I guess that is what blending this family is doing to my problem spots as well. Tonight i wonder if blending will ever really occur or will my family be in a constant state of flux, confusion and pain simply because I fell in love again?

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Thoughts on Mortality

My 7 year old son told me that I was not immortal yesterday.  I think he thought that was going to be big news to me.  But in fact, I have known that someday my physcial body will expire and I will be released into glory.  Of late, I have thought about mortality a lot.  It seems many people around me are fighting battles with the wear and tear that happens to your physical form.  Some of the battles are more aggressive than others.  Some are nearly transparent. Many are battling cancer and cancer is winning (like it generally does). 

My father has cancer.  And when I say that I automatically tear up.  His fight is one that is transparent.  So easy right now that I often forget he has it.  His prognosis is good, and he is healthy.  But when I say that word I have to face the mortality of one of my rocks.  My dad is a great dad! He screws up and does things wrong and hurts my feelings and loves me all together.  He loves the Lord and he taught me to love Him too.  He has faith and hope and courage and anger and maybe even regret.  And no place on this planet will ever smell, feel or comfort like his arms.  When I got divorced, I didnt see him for nearly 18 months.  And all the pain that went with letting go of my former marriage dissolved with his 1st hug when he saw me.  He is my first hero and my first love. And today he is winning his battle with cancer.

Jean is the mother of one of my favorite people in the world.  Her daughter Meg brings life into dark meetings at work and makes me smile in spite of myself.  She is bright and brilliant and wonderful.  Her mother has cancer.  I can't say that without shedding tears.  Her mother's cancer is winning and for the last week or more Meg has been by her mother's side to watch her pass out of this life and into another.  How do you provide comfort for that.  How do you say good-bye to the woman who carried you into the world and taught you to be brave when you scraped your knee and  fearless when the boy you liked, liked someone else. Mortality...it is hard to face!  It is hard to understand...why would a loving God place us here for a finite amount of time and let us grow so attached emotionally to each other.

We think it is an issue that comes at us with age...as we face our own mortality...but my 5 year old worries about his.   He worries he will be left alone...just him and Karl and who will love him if we are all gone?  I think that is the heart of the issue of dying...who will love us like the one we are losing.  Who will fill that void? 

I believe the void is what makes us above the animals.  The fact that it is not something we can fill, not something we can heal, not something we can fix....it is what makes us human.  And in being human we have the greatest gitf of all...the capacity to know pain is the final pathway of love and to chose love anyway!

Girlfriends

My whole life has been a parade of men.  Now for some women that means one thing but for me it simply means it has ALWAYS been easier for me to befriend a man than a woman...at least until lately.  In the past 3 years I have found great solace in having girlfriends.  What fun it is to sit with someone who completes gets your need to just chat about nothing and everything all at once.  Someone who finds humor in the oddities of life and can joke about the crazy things that cross a woman's mind during PMS.

My girlfriend collection has grown recently with some wonderful additions.  Adding to my collection of great girls a wonderful, challenging and delightful women named Shanti or "peace" has forced me to think outside my normal parameters and into a limitless world of possibility.  Another great keeper named Gina has spent hours sharing her life with me in the full richness of the "broken road" that led her to my doorstep last Thanksgiving Day.  I am eternally grateful to the boy who brought her along.  What a lifeline she is!
And then there are some who have been with me through the mud and muck of my divorce and the joy and exhilaration of my new marriage. Pam and Abbie who lit a path in the darkest nights and who without knowing saved my life are both heroines. Then who can forget my great coffee and bootcamp girls Heather and Melissa...both of whom have turned around and come back for my slow butt on numerous runs.

I guess that is the best part about all of them...they never leave me behind. They are there in the moment making the best of every situation. Making the best of me! Each is a diamond that fell out of the sky and into my pocket.  And because of them I am a very wealthy girl!  I love having girlfriends!

Broken

I am a fixer.  I come in to clean up others messes and put Humpty back together again.  I have been a fixer all my life.  In early childhood, I could fix with my tears or my antics.  As an adolscent I fixed by listening and loving.  Now I fix by sticking to the facts. I cut to the chase.  If it can't be fixed I freak out.  I make lists, I establish timelines, I fix things!

Today when my sweet husband pointed out that he was just about sick of being fixed and managed and listed, I had to admit that is me.  I acknowledge I am a fixer.  It is how I control my world.  If you dont like the way I fix you then don't get broken.  But that is what we are.  All of us...broken, scarred, flawed and not one of us perfect!  So how does a fixer function in a broken world?  Grace.

Unmerited favor.  Grace. Given and received...it is the potion.  The elixir of healing.  I cannot fix you.  I cannot fix world hunger or even the scratch in my car.  But I can offer grace to each broken situation. I can see that others are just as scared, traumatized and worried as I and I can extend grace.  In the moment when I most want to hand you a self help plan with milestones and checkpoints toward unbrokeness I can instead lay in your hands a packet of magic grace potion.  In that moment, I can allow you to be what you are and can give the power of healing back to the healer.

So Humpty fell, Humpty broke. none of the kings men could fix him...but the King himself...the healer...the one we call when we offer up packets of magic grace elixir...He can put us back together!  He can bind wounds, heal hearts, set us free.  He can and He will and most definitely He wants to! But magic grace packets have to be offered and have to be accepted.  Unmerited favor only works if you accept it!

Thoughts on Marathons

For those of you who don't know today was the 39th annual running of the Houston Marathon and Half Marathon.  The event annually attracts approximately 22,000 runners from across the world.  Today a second time marathon runner from Ethiopia ran the full 26.2 miles in 2 hours and 7 minutes.  That is an average mile pace of just under 5 minutes.  Talk about endurance and running for the long haul.  I for one cannot run.  I am saying that I cannot run.  I physically think that running is something my body was not meant to do.  But that doesn't mean I haven't completed my fair share of "marathons".  After all I have 2 children.  9 months of pregnancy followed by 3 months of not being able to sleep through the night is definitely a marathon.  Most of us don't like marathons while we are in training and we may even not like the running but we relish in the end.  My father-in-law, who was a runner, was heard often to say the greatest thing about running is stopping.  The greatest thing about our life marathons is surviving. But you know what I notice about runners(even those who love stopping), they always start again...and so do we.  Are you running a marathon right now?  If so, know that sooner or later there is a finish line and that sooner or later you are going to want to run again!  So just keep moving...!

Old and New

I love to get new things, try new restaurants, go to new places.  It is exciting and fun.  But when it comes to work...new does not excite me.  It is scary and intimidating.  It challenges me to step outside of my comfort zone and to think and act in a different way.  I like old and comfy at work.  It suits me!  I have my routine and I know what to expect and when to expect it. 

Tomorrow is the last time I will ever meet with my very first team of employees as a whole group.  We are moving on to something new.  It scares me!  I have settled into a great routine with a wonderful group of people.  They are my employees but they are also my friends and tomorrow I have to say good-bye to some of them.  It is bittersweet.  I will find a new groove and have a great new group of talent to help cultivate but the comfort of the old will be gone.  The friendly banter and the jokes will change.  The interactions will take on a new way of being.  I am excited and I am nervous.  I have shed a few tears this week as I think about all that this team has taught me!

Tomorrow we will celebrate what we have done, where we are going and who these nine people have shaped me into!  And then we will step in the scary but amazing world of the new.  The only thing that will remain unchanged is that change is inevitable and that "the beginnings and endings of all human undertakings are untidy."

Music Moments!

Have you ever found yourself driving down the road listening to a song and suddenly fighting back tears?  Or maybe the song took your glum dreary day and turned it around.  Or maybe it just touched your heart with its music or lyrics.  My whole life has been a series of these types of events. Nothing as ever been able to move me like music.  I have read books, attended seminars, watched movies and just about any other inspirational activity you can name and none can top the crazy feeling I get when a piece a music moves my heart.

Today was a music movement day!  It started like any other day.  Get everyone out of bed and moving.  Feed people breakfast.  Make sure that homework is in the correct backpack and that eyeglasses and musical instruments don't get left behind.  Then scurry them out of the house.  That leads to best part- the drive.  During out short 12 minutes in the car my sons can ask some of the greatest questions, tell the most delightful stories and generally remind me each day how special and precious each moment with them is.  For example, last week my parents reached the monumental 47th anniversary.  When Karl asked how old that made PopPop and I said 68...Paul started to cry and said "so that means he will die soon?"  After assuring him that PopPop is not ready to go to heaven Paul rejoiced and said "good because I am just not done with him yet!"  What precious boys...so you can imagine that the actual drop off at school is a little bittersweet each day.  There is a part of me that wishes we could drive for hours and just talk.  But they quickly would tire of mom and the car and so these moments are fleeting each day but so very precious. 

The music moment came today when the following song came on the radio.  I know that many of us have heard the quote and been touched but there was something about the comparison of the first breath and the last that made me well up with tears.  You see I am blessed on both sides.  Precious boys and delightful parents....how true it is that each day...I breathe in the joy of my children and exhale the wisdom of my parents!  For each of them I am eternally grateful!

The Breath You Take, George Strait

He looks up from second base dad’s up in the stands
He saw the hit, the run, the slide there ain’t no bigger fan
In the parking lot after the game he said
“Dad I thought you had a plane to catch”
He smiled and said “Yeah son I did”

Chours
Life’s not the breaths you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain’t what it’s all about
Ya just might miss the point
Try’n to win the race
Life’s not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath away

Fast forward fifteen years
And a thousand miles away
Boy’s built a life he’s got a wife
And a baby due today
He hears a voice saying “I made it son
He said “I told you dad you didn’t have to come”
He smiles and says ”Yeah I know you did”

Chours

Just like it took my breath when she was born
Just like it took my breath away when dad took his last that morn

Life’s not the breaths you take
The breathing in and out
That gets you through the day
Ain’t what it’s all about
Ya just might miss the point
If ya don’t slow down the pace
Life’s not the breaths you take
But the moments that take your breath away

Count the moments today that take your breath away!

Chose your battles

What is really worth fighting for?  Is it your pride, your reputation, your ability to say "I told you so"?  I wonder if there isn't a gene in all of us that thinks we have a right to be right and we fight for it.  I know I personally get very passionate when I believe I am right and have a hard time letting go until I have convinced others that I am right.  I work hard and feel my blood pressure rise each time I am "challenged" about something.  But really is it worth it?  In the long run is there a win for anyone when you have to fight to prove you are right?

Dealing with disappointment

In 2011. I am serving in my company's women's leadership committee.  You might wonder why single out just the women but that has always been my heart so this seemed like a great opportunity to reach out among the masses to connect with a few great women.  I have never met a women who isn't great.  I have met many who believe they are less, live like they are less and except less than their greatness demands but I have never met a women who is not magnificent. 

Each year our women's council does a little event to coincide with International Women's Day.  This year we have asked hundreds of women across HP to contribute 100 word essays on a variety of topics dealing with our careers.  We offered up about 7 different topics for the essays to deal with and not surprisingly the topic of work/life balance received an overwhelming number of articles while dealing with disappointment received no attention at all.  I guess we all would rather not have to deal with life when it hands us the undesirable.  In those times though there is greater growth. 

When I started at HP in 2000, I had aspirations of being a people manager.  I did not want to spend my career locked away in a classroom teaching bits and bytes to learners who would have rather been elsewhere or who knew more about computers than I ever would. Trust me when I say that I pursued this career movement with a great passion.  I completed my advanced degree in Human Resources in order to make myself more marketable and then we off shored our HR departments.  I studied Project Management and prepared for the PMP certification test.  I was registered for the preparation class when it was determined that HP would no longer pay for your certification test. I interviewed for positions and was told I was in the top candidates and among the brightest and boldest of the talent at HP.  Yet I was never the top candidate and the job was never mine.  For 9 years, I worked hard and poured all my best into HP.  During that time, I developed the mantra "It just isn't the right time, YET!" Each time I would say it I was reminded that the current disappointment wasn't the end of the road but was just a stepping stone to my goal.  Each disappointment was a jumping off point for me to learn.  And I did learn.  I learned compassion for those who are working hard and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I learned patience in spite of the obstacles. I learned running faster and jumping higher isn't nearly as good as running smarter.  I learned that when you stay the course eventually you find your way home.  And I did find my home, in a small little niche group called the ESOC, where I have been able in the last two years to nurture and cultivate a passion for learning in my employees.  My team is amazing, they are all I could have ever wanted in employees and yet when disappointment comes, as it always does, I simply whisper the mantra..."it just isn't the right time YET!"

Never enough time

So when I decided to start a blog in October of last  year, I honestly thought it would be easy to at least write one a day.  I mean after all I sit at a computer all day, everyday.  Finding a few minutes to spit out some words would be easy.  But just like most things that I want to do, I don't do.  Why is that? What about the human condition makes it so easy to just not do the things we most want to?  I want to run...but I find every excuse in existence and create quite a few new ones to just not even pick up my feet.  I want to lose weight, and yet I find reasons to nibble my way through thousands of daily calories.  Or maybe I want to stop swearing or watching so much tv or whatever the goal/desire/dream....but I just don't. 

It reminds me of some verses in the Bible that talk about wanting to do right and not being able to because our flesh is so weak.  (Romans 7)  Weak is just the right word for it.  Weak means lacking in strength.  Strength is a solidness that keeps you standing...you know the old adage..if you dont stand for something you will fall for anything...so it is with my intentions. i have them but i am not strong in them so i fall for my very own excuses.  i am the very reason He sent His Son.  I am the one in need of a helper...I am so very thankful that I have no need to be strong since in fact there is one who is stronger than me who stands for me! To access that strength I need only ask. 

Too bad asking for help is not one of my best attributes- just ask my husband - just ask my father - just ask the one who made me!