A Month of thankful

Many of my facebook friends have been doing a daily list of things for which they are thankful. I don't do many things on a daily basis so that doesn't really work for me but this year a list seemed so very appropriate. In this year, and even this month, I have so much for which to be thankful. So here is what my list would have looked like - had I the discipline to post every day. I am thankful 1. for an amazing husband - who encourages me to grow beyond my box and become something bigger than I could be without him. 2. for my parents - some kids are given a hard lot in life just by the parents that they are born to - I am the opposite. No silver spoon or fancy house just two people who believed without reservation - in me, in each other, in right and wrong, in God. 3. for my son Karl - a young man with great intellect and wit and a gentle way about him that draws others close. So often he is like looking in a mirror and reminding me to be thankful for #2 who rode the waves with me and never failed to believe in me. 4. for my son Paul - my drama king full of tears, stories, songs, dances, and more joy than any one little boy has ever contained. He is the conglomeration of all the great men I have known - he is the preacher like my dad, the solider, the musician and the light of my life when he whispers "I just want to snuggle mom - because you are the best mom in the world and I love you." Did I mention that happens every day!! 5. for our cat Grace - she sheds everywhere, scratches on everything(especially in the dark of the night) but she purrs every time I pet her and she says Mom whenever I talk to her. 6. for the seconds in life that keep us alive - you know the ones that make it a near miss and not a direct hit - like the ones that kept the truck from hitting right on the driver's door and the ones that kept the fuel tank intact. 7. for great insurance - and an adjuster, claims owner and even call center agent who were more worried about our health than the damage and who are working all the details out so our life is back to normal in record time. 8. for a team of peers who all jumped to help, and breathed a sigh of relief when all was clear. 9. for a boss who surprises me with the things he says and does 10. for a God who put me in my bosses life to say the things he needs to hear 11. for prayer chains around the world that can clear traffic, move mountains and smooth waters and that celebrate triumph with as much praise as they cover tragedy with prayer. 12. for Alex and Don who were there in a heartbeat - being a part of our lives in unexpected but treasured ways. 13. for old friends, new friends, those that came in between and the memories that we all share. 14. for growing older and wiser - and finally starting to understand what it means to let it slide like water off a duck's back. 15. for a good credit score - after 20 plus years of fixing, messing and fixing - finally reaping the benefit of decent credit was a reward richer than money could buy. 16. for the people who work for me - they keep me humble and remind me that I have so very little pain in my life and am so richly blessed. 17. for HP, what a great place to work - a life/work balance that allowed my children to be raised at home 18. for Meg Whitman - who leads with integrity and expects that of those who work for her and isn't afraid of what others think 19. for coffee and the amazing pleasure one can find in a cup of Joe - one of God's sweetest creations 20. for a life coach who puts things in perspective and helps you see the bigger picture 21. for church and the fellowship of the saints - nothing matches gathering with those of like mind to worship the Father 22. for a great worship band and a moment each day where I get to stand at the foot of the throne and tell Him how great He is. 23. for vacation - and rest - it is hard for me but I am learning. 24. for the art of baking and my mother who taught me that making one's house smell of baked goods was one of the most rewarding ways to treat self and family 25. for traditions -old and new - and the memories they make 26. for freedom and those that serve and protect the rights I take for granted 27. for our nation's leaders and lawmakers who do what they do so I don't have to - and I am thankful regardless of their party affiliation and/or voting record. 28. for my ex-husband - two reasons - the boys and all the wrong decisions he made me learn from. 29. for redemption - the understanding that God makes all things new and even the bad decisions I have made are never permanent. 30. for the Savior and salvation - may my faith be as infinite as His love was. Happy Thanksgiving!

A little expectation, a lot of disappointment

It was cold and snowy towards the end of winter in Boulder, Colorado. We were an active family so a trip sledding down the hill at Scott Carpenter Park or a building a snowman after a good snow was not unfamiliar but this time was different. We lived in the parsonage on the church grounds where my father was the associate pastor. That left us with an open parking lot 6 days a week to use as our own racetrack for our bikes or a good game of tag. But it also left us with a great snow surfing arena. What you have never heard of snow surfing - riding on a sled disc while being towed by a car - what a rush! Maybe not the safest activity my dad ever supported but definitely great fun. We had been out riding the snow for a couple of hours and darkness had settled in so that Dad couldn't see us anymore which made surfing too dangerous even for my dad. But we weren't to worried as he promised we could enjoy more time in the 6 inches of fresh powder in the morning. As I drifted off to sleep that night the expectation of more sledding made for great dreams...but as the light of dawn came shining through - we were in for a bit of disappointment. One of the great mysteries of Boulder is the Shinook wind. A warm and dry wind that sweeps down from the foothills and pushes away all the snow. Where just the night before had been 6 inches of beautifully glistening snowflakes was now a dry and hard blacktop. There was never more snow surfing for the Robbins clan after that because God moved us from Colorado to Idaho and Arizona and probably because my dad decided it might not be the safest way to sled. It was disappointing. And as you can tell from my recollection the memory is still vivid. Expectations are like that - they are tiny - the anticipation of a special event, the response of a loved one to your story, a phone call after a great interview. Little thoughts that aren't even thoughts - just things we take for granted will happen until they don't. As children we learn that missed expectations are part of an unfair world and that disappointment must be accepted as part of life. As adults we find that unmet expectations lead to anger, resentment, arguments, strife, divorce, lost employment and a barrage of other maladies. But at the heart of the issue is not the disappointment or the unmet expectation or often even the expectation itself, the heart of the issue is often the communication or lack thereof around the expectation. Communication is paramount to resolving our expectation disappointment issues. If we are not communicating what we want to people then there is no way that we won't suffer from disappointment and disillusionment. imagine walking into your local fast food chain and ordering a burger. you expect that they will make it just your way -after all that is there slogan. But if you don't tell them to hold the onion and add extra pickle you will be disappointed. If ordering food requires specific explanation of your expectation how much more so does parenting, work and marriage.

a series on expectations

Lately I have been giving a lot of thought to the idea of expectations. After all we all have them. Whether they are about our relationships, jobs, health, or even our children nobody is immune to having expectations of themselves, others and situations or being at the mercy of someone else's expectation. When an expectation isn't met it can pierce our emotional armor and leave us wounded. So if we are all subject to them and affected by them then how we communicate them and deal with them becomes paramount to how healthy we are in the long term.

I want to take a serious look at how expectations infiltrate all areas of our lives. Stay tuned to read about what I think God says about expectations and what problems occur when we are not living with healthy ones.

Praying for an audience

On Monday I meet with an Arbonne consultant who wants me to join her group. Today I have my mid-year review and career discussion with my boss. Last night Tom asked what at you going to tell Mr J.(my boss) and Ms C.(Arbonne lady) about your future.... That is a really enormous question and for 12 years in corporate America I have given the standard answer that shoots me up the ladder and have never given the answer that is really in my heart. My heart wants to say "My 5 year plan is to speak about Jesus and what He had done for me. I want to speak everywhere and to everyone I meet about the amazing truth of His love and the free gift of salvation." Where I earn my living is of no consequence. My career is Jesus and I don't care where God plants me because I know that wherever it is He has an audience ready. Today it is Mr J and I hope his heart is ready to hear that money, power, and prestige are nothing if you have no knowledge of the saving, healing, restoring power of Jesus Christ. today the discussion is about my future but my prayer is that it impacts his.

Picking your battles

In life there are some battles that are worth fighting and others that just need to be left alone. Recently I have been told over and over again that my boys rule the roost, that they play me like a fiddle, and know that if they just wait long enough they will get whatever they want. Those are really hard things to hear about yourself and merit a second look for certain. Being a parent is the single hardest thing I have ever done. Sometimes it seems like an impossible task. Most days my children are amazing and so very well behaved, but sometimes they still struggle to obey the first time I ask and not give me attitude. I guess most kids do that. I don't want to be mafia mom who never lets them do anything unless they have been perfect but I really don't want to be the mom who feels so guilty for bring divorced that she let's them get away with murder. That is what my second husband believes. He says they get everything in twos. One from us and one from their dad. Two birthdays, two Christmases, two sets of rules. I guess it us the nature of the disease called divorce and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Blending a new family is a war.  It requires finesse I am certain I don't have and energy I can't summon at times. But the end result will hopefully be happier for all of us because of each other. So I guess this is a battle I will choose to fight. I will fight to keep things on an even keel with the boys and match as much love and acceptance as I dole out discipline. I will fight to see the boys and their stepdad blend into a rhythm that ebbs and flows with respect and encouragement. And I will fight to see that my husband and I support each other fully and build a loving stable home....because some battles are just worth fighting!

Return to writing

Once again I have taken a few weeks off from writing. I am not sure what triggers the words and what causes them to stop but I am certain it is a good thing I don't rely on the flow of words from my fingers for a living. Although it might make for great seasons of weight loss as I didn't have enough money for food. Recently I have been spending a lot of time thinking about words. What we say and how we say it really is a direct reflection of what we believe and how we think. I tend to be careless with my words. This became clear the other day when I called my son crazy in front of someone and realized how that must sound to a bystander. Karl knows that I mean it affectionately, at least I hope he does...but what if he doesn't. What if by being lazy in my choice of words I have left him to think that I truly believe he or his ideas or thoughts are crazy? The bible says out of the abundance of the heart the mouth will speak. I always used that as ammunition to prove I was right about my ex-husband's verbal onslaughts. See he was mean spirited - his words proved it. Don't get me wrong I think the verse meant exactly what it said when it came to his meanness. But what I think it often reveals is laziness. Our heart is filled with lazy. Too lazy to say what we mean. Too self absorbed to create instead of destroy. How often I find that my words to Tom reveal the selfishness of my heart. I don't really listen and I respond with the easiest but often not the kindest words. This week I really want to be intentional - to think before I speak and say only what would be pleasant to me if it was directed at me.

Authenticity - showing up with flaws

I have flaws. I know those of you who know me personally will probably need to call paramedics now for resuscitation. But I wanted it out there for the whole word to see....I HAVE FLAWS and get this I have lots of them. There is not enough blog space in the world to catalog all the character, physical, mental and emotional flaws in my life. But the ones that bother me the most...spiritual flaws. Did you know I am judgmental? Now I have done it...tomorrow my friends, family and staff will all look at me differently. "I wonder if she is judging me right now" is what they will be thinking. And sadly the answer might be yes. I don't forgive all the time either. Sometimes I hold a grudge. I even get bitter, and I know nobody will believe this one but every once in a while I even swear (a lot). Yes indeed I am flawed. Head to toe I am full of stuff I wish I wasn't. Sometimes I wonder if that disqualifies me. Does my own lack of perfection take me out of the running for God's love? How can He use me when I am such a judgmental, unforgiving, cussing mess? What could the world possibly gain by knowing me? Surely they couldn't see Him in my dim and dull mirror. Certainly what they would see would not bring them closer to the flame. So what's the point of trying. Right? I mean clearly, I should become the prodigal son and take my flaws on the party circuit. We could live it up out there with the world...eat, drink, be merry! And when I wake up I would be perfect - no still flawed. So maybe I should just become a Pharisee - you know sit in my holy robes at the entrance of the temple and pretend I am flawless. That would make them go away and then I could serve Him. Then my reflection of His glory would really shine. No every morning I would just have to scrub harder to keep the flaws from showing through my threadbare out cover. Maybe I could hide in a tree - no someone already did that and he was called out too. I guess I just get to show up everyday, flaws and all and do what I can to share the hope of the resurrection. To tell someone today about the saving power of Christ. I guess I just get to show up everyday and live the best example I can of unconditional love. To be a moment of clarity to someone in crisis. I guess I just get to show up everyday, flaws and all and be authentic. I get to be real. Which means you don't have to love me, you don't have to like me, I don't even have to love me, I just have to be who I am today and tomorrow my flaws and I will be here again. We will work to make your life richer, to share with more people that there is hope. My flawed life full of junk will be open for review if it means someone learns that Jesus is who He said He was, He did what the bible says He did, and He wants to be in relationship with each of us. I will live authentically if by that I can show that there is hope for the hopeless and that God came for sinners...after all He loves me. So if your mirror is cracked and the flaws are showing, show up anyway...after all God is sovereign and supreme and who knows what He might make out a scrap heap of flaws!

Supremacy

You can buy a supreme pizza. Or maybe you want to indulge in the supreme luxury package at the spa. You can eat a burrito supreme. The one thing I find that all of these have in common...there is a lesser version lurking somewhere if you don't want the top of the line. El Eyon - God Supreme. Unlike our earthly supreme there is no lesser version of God upon which to settle. He is the one and only. If you study His supremacy you will find that He is the one who gives riches and makes poor, He gives life and He brings death, He is the healer and the wound. Nothing can come at you without His divine permission. Everything that has ever or will ever exist is because of Him, through Him and for His glory. Honestly though, would you want something lesser from your God? A washed down version of supremacy? How about one who could only handle requests between 9 am and 5 pm Monday through Friday? Or a god who could deal with your happiness but pushed away all sorrow? A god who healed but only sometimes and only for some people? Maybe you would want one who showed up on time but not always? Or better yet one who had your best interest at heart except when he didn't? No you want the one and only. The God who can truly say "the buck stops here." Nobody touches Angela except if I say they can. Nothing comes against her that I don't provide for her to handle. Her money, her health, her job are all at my hand and in my control. You might be wondering where is the free will in that? How can I choose if He is really supreme? If His presence is so strong a hedge around me how can I exert my own way? He is our strong tower..we run to Him and we are safe. He protects us and directs us...but every tower has a door or maybe just a window called free will. An opening that allows us to walk right out of His protection into the darkness alone. You can make the choice to leave Him. You can fly at will into the storm...and when the wind has knocked down your sail and the shoreline is rocky and death is just over the horizon...He is the lighthouse..a tower on a hill..a beacon to steer towards and regardless of what you say, do or believe He is that He is and He reigns supreme and eternal. And He is waiting for your return!

Unfinished things

Life is full of things that are left unfinished. Circles of life are never completed. The plant that stops growing becomes compost for a new tree. The Lord made it that way. He intended for our lives to bring new life. But there are some things that are just meant to be completed.

God worked 6 days and then He was finished. Christ came and did all that was asked by his Father and then declared it was finished. Just like there are many things in life that are left to cycle continuously some things are destined to be complete. We finish books, and complete trips. We set and obtain goals and if you are a runner you know the greatest feeling is when you are finally done and stop.

This year I want more than anything to finish what God has set before me. I want to be diligent to daily look at what He would have me do and do our wholeheartedly. what does He want completed? I think there are quite a few but let's start with living a life pleasing to Him. Living with integrity and honesty. Finish today by loving your neighbor in such a way that they know your love. Before you turn off the light turn off your anger and make amends for those things where you have wronged someone. Love your family before your work and tell your children of the Lord.Never stop talking of His great works.
So basically everyday look at Him and live in what He has commanded. Each day finish you're race as if you will never wake up again.run each day as THE race. never give up, never surrender, finish strong and then sleep the restful sleep of a saint ready to go home to his maker. Finish strong.