Just can't live like this anymore and other things you should never say in a fight

Lately, my husband and I have started quite a collection of the things you should never say in a fight.  Things like "I don't even like you right now" or "I just can't live like this anymore".  We have a great marriage...one that is open and honest and authentic.  We don't pretend things are okay when they aren't and we don't hide from issues...but we also don't always fight fair.  Often times the words are hurtful and can't be pulled back.  They come out as "you always" and "you never" and "this is never going to end".

I know that when I was a child I was told that words can't hurt but they can.  Sometimes it is even the ones we say ourselves that hurt the most.  They leave blood everywhere in the marriage.  I train in customer service and one of my clients requires that all customer service calls include empathy to the caller, listening, thinking(about the real issue) and responding(with help).  That for the customers that buy makeup and skincare from their company but when it comes to people who love us we forget to basics.  Did you empathize with your spouses position in the last argument...probably not(at least not if you are like me)?  How about listening...how are your listening skills?  Are you listening to the cues in the argument...did you catch the subtle ones like..you used to do this and now you dont or the I just need you to? What do you think...would you still be married if your spouse could see your words in a cartoon bubble above your head?  Or are you thinking...what can I offer in this situation?  What can I do to make this better for him/her?  What do I need to say to respond to the actual cue my spouse is giving me?  And then when you respond...are you using your best smile in your voice or the F*&K you voice? 

I wonder what Tom thinks when he shakes his head while I speak.  I know it isn't "Wow, my wife really heard me on this one.  She knows what I need and she is working at finding a solution." 

Don't get me wrong I understand that relationship problems are really much more complex and difficult than I need to put a hold on my account because I have too much toner or I don't like your makeup so I am cancelling.  But really would it be so hard to be an advocate for your spouse?  That's what our phone agents are called...Advocates.  What a powerful thought.
It is easy to be an advocate for your best friend or your parents.  Absolutely easy... you can fight for them to be treated fairly, to be given preferential treatment.  And for you kids...are you ever not an advocate?  You always seek what is  best for them...but an advocate for your spouse?  Hard to imagine in a fight being the one who stops to think....am I treating my spouse with preference to myself or am I working hard to see my spouse reaches a solution in this situation that keeps them happy?

I guess that's about all my brain has for today...but seriously...am I the only one who finds I herself lost in her own wants, needs and hurtful words when the fight starts and the last one to look to be her spouse's advocate....the one who won't let any injustice come to the one that is most close to her heart....I really hope I am the only one....but I think the divorce rate of the world says I am not!

Is it worth the fight?

I have spent a few days being beaten up by a client.  Wondering if we ever did anything right, if what we did was ever going to be good enough, if the end result would be that they would pull their business and go to our competitor and leave us out of work?  But then I remember something I saw in a cartoon the other day.  In the cartoon  a young girl asks another Agnes to take a personality test.  She shows a glass that is filled with water...you know the glass I am talking about the one that is half full or half empty.  Agnes' response is "either way there is room for improvement". 

That was a lightbulb moment for me this afternoon...it really doesn't matter if we were right or the client was right...what matters is there is room for improvement.  As I settled into my new truth I realized that fighting against the inevitable is something I have spent a lifetime perfecting.  I remember my dad handing me the serenity prayer years ago and nearly commanding me to commit it to memory.  He saw something in my personality that has a hard time letting go...but really there are only certain things worth the fight and they are few and far between.  There are not always black and white options and sometimes the real truth is just that there is room for improvement no matter how you look at. 

So how did the day end...half full or half empty...neither...we just left some room for improvement!